Twisted cheerleader

‘This is going to be painful’, columnist Laila thought when she started writing for EM. Turns out, that fear became her fuel.

Well, here we are. My last column for Erasmus Magazine.

To think that all of this started as a private dare to myself when the competition to become the next columnist was announced.

Writing has always been a laborious task for me. Borderline painful sometimes. Each sentence exhausts your attention and energy to ensure all of them fit in harmony to deliver a concise, logical picture. Fully knowing this torture awaited me, I took on the dare anyway, because what better way to face a lion than head-on?

Looking back, the dare didn’t start with EM.

A million years ago, my BSA dictated me to leave my double bachelor’s degree. I stood at a crossroads: appeal to the examination board, switch to IBEB, or leave Erasmus University entirely. I chose IBEB.

I felt like a big fat failure. No achievements, no direction, not even all my credits. Switching to IBEB felt like returning to campus with a huge neon sign on my forehead that said LOSER! I stepped into my second first year wrapped in fear that everyone would point and laugh at that label.

Turns out, that fear became my fuel.

The haunting failure drove me to jump at every opportunity that sprouted along my path, daring me to push myself further each time, like joining committees and being a student ambassador. Every thought of ‘this is going to be painful’, became a stepping stone to where I sit today, writing my columns.

Each column published was its own challenge that came with a new milestone. Most of them felt like I exposed too much of my inner turmoils, as if I was sticking out raw flesh to be rubbed dry. But I dared myself to put it out there anyway, because holding back would be putting shame to the original dare I took in being a columnist for EM.

As they say, pressure turns coal into diamonds. I will not pretentiously self-proclaim as a diamond, but I admit that each time I have forced myself into discomfort, I have come out a better, sharper person. A different type of rock, if you will.

Fear never became my friend, but it was never a foe either. After everything, I suppose it deserves to be called my twisted cheerleader.