Michelle Achterberg was about to defend her PhD thesis when the government announced that meetings of more than a hundred people were banned because of the Covid-19 pandemic. It was 12 March 2020, a quarter to four in the afternoon. Achterberg was sitting in the ’sweat room’ waiting to begin her defence, when the beadle came in and asked how many people had been invited. “It was just over a hundred”, says Achterberg, “but the beadle repeated a couple of times: 99.” At 4 pm, she received her PhD cum laude on the subject of rejection. It was the last defence before the lockdown in the Netherlands.
Social media use went through the roof
The subject of her PhD thesis was how children cope with rejection, or ‘social-emotional regulation’. It’s a concept she finds interesting, because of the human need to belong to a group. That formation of groups was one of the things banned in the ‘offline’ world by the lockdown, a few days after her thesis defence.
Achterberg believes that caused the great expansion of the realm of social media we see now. When she started her PhD in 2015, Facebook was popular. In next to no time, everyone had Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat. “The changes happened so fast”, says Achterberg. “Previously, the online world was thought to be an extension of what happens in everyday life. Now we know better.”
Number of books: One or two per month
Primary motivation: “I really read to relax. These summer holidays, I managed to read again because two of my three children now have swimming certificates. I listen to books to improve myself.”
Favourite genre: Self-help
Last book read: “Listened to, actually: Verslaafd aan ons eigen gelijk (Addicted to our own rightness) by Lammert Kamphuis.”
Viewed, but no like
If it were up to Achterberg, we would not talk about ‘social media’ as a single entity. Each social medium has its own dynamics. On WhatsApp, we communicate through text; on Instagram with images. With one, you often interact directly with someone you know, while on the other you can scroll passively. How you use social media affects the extent to which you feel rejected.
Then again, what rejection means varies from person to person. Achterberg gives an example. “On Instagram, you can see who has viewed your story. If someone has seen your story but hasn’t liked it, do you feel rejected? And do you see that as a flaw in yourself or a flaw in the other person?” She simply wants to point out that the quantity of interactions and hence of potential rejections has only increased.
Boredom has become scarce
Achterberg is not unduly concerned about the impact of social media. She believes that the landscape is too diverse to draw a conclusion. “Something I do worry about is the lack of boredom. People never have nothing to do anymore. As a result, the ‘oat milk elite’ sit and meditate for ten minutes a day. I find that a bit airy-fairy, but the fact is that doing nothing has a function.”
The academic literature shows that people cannot always be in a state of maximum alertness. Sometimes they need to discharge. Achterberg is aware of how difficult it is to do nothing. Even when she’s in a traffic jam or folding the washing, she would rather concentrate on an audiobook than on her own breathing.
‘No’ is also an answer
Those audiobooks are often about self-improvement and psychology. A while back, she listened to Iets met grenzen stellen (Something about setting boundaries) by Iris Posthouwer, ‘a practical guide to clarity without fuss’. With a phone always on, three children and a fast-paced academic career, Achterberg found the confirmation that ‘no’ is also an answer useful. Why is it so hard to say no?
There it is again: rejection. “Being rejected hurts, but rejecting someone else isn’t pleasant either. At the same time, the book shows that we overestimate how bad the other person feels when you say ‘no’. You can set boundaries without rejecting someone.” Achterberg gives an instant tip: make the boundaries clear. When she was asked to edit an application for a prestigious grant, she couldn’t make time for it. She replied that the deadline was too tight for her. Then the person who had made the request said that the deadline could be moved.
Michelle Achterberg is assistant professor of Youth and family. She is interested in the development of children’s social competencies. Last year, she received a Veni grant for her research on brain development in relation to social rejection. She is leading the SO-REBEL research project.
