‘My brain felt like a big black block of sticky tar’

Anne is living proof that people with chronic depression do not always have a frown and a sullen gaze. Her first impression is that of a cheerful student who wears her heart on her sleeve. But that is partly a façade, she admits. “People always think I have all my cards on the table. And that’s very convenient, because then they won’t probe any further.”

Anne’s parents are both therapists. “They got divorced when I was nine, and it felt like my life was falling apart. I threw a lot of tantrums because of that. Around that time, I was also bullied at school. My father found someone through a colleague to help me with my anger.”

This therapist discovered that there was a great deal of sadness and powerlessness hidden beneath Anne’s anger. But because Anne was still so young and the therapist was actually meant for adults, there were also things that went wrong. “I misunderstood some things, namely that I should never be angry again. It wasn’t until much later that I found out that’s a problem, because I was always very proud of how I was never angry. But being angry is actually a healthy way of processing your emotions, as opposed to bottling them up.”

Anne started going to therapy again at age twelve because she would get over-stimulated very easily. “Other people’s emotions affected me a lot. If someone else was sad, then I would get sad too.” Very empathetic, but also very tiring. “I ended up with a rather free-spirited therapist who said I was highly sensitive. That wasn’t an official diagnosis, but it was a way of explaining to me how I deal with emotions. She gave me all kinds of mindfulness-related tips, and that definitely helped.”

Fast-forward to 17-year-old Anne. “My boyfriend and I broke up, and that hit me pretty hard. That was when I noticed that, in the previous years, I had always had some kind of mask on. I was always ‘happy, bubbly Anne’. I was always happy and boosted everyone’s energy. But I was burying the not-so-happy part. When my relationship ended, all of that came out. That was the beginning of my depression.”

Ten months of intensive therapy followed. “That was very tough, exhausting and really just awful. We started with when I was born, and then everything that happened after that. What did that mean to me, and what word would I use to describe it? That therapist helped me a lot. She was a really amazing woman.”

When Anne was doing a bit better, she met a new guy. “And it was a lot of fun, for a while. It didn’t take long before I became unhappy again, but it did take a long time before we broke up.” Anne was reinventing herself through her therapy, which made her ‘malleable’. “He had an idea of the perfect girlfriend, and I tried to live up to that. But that wasn’t who I was. He was a bit possessive, and he was looking for someone who was clearly more introverted than me. Still, I did my best, for way too long. And it made me more and more depressed. And then Covid-19 came along.”

That was perhaps the darkest period in Anne’s life. She was having problems with her studies, and many social outlets were no longer available. “I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Just going to the supermarket was too much.” During this period, Anne regularly thought about ending her life. “I never made concrete plans, but I did toy with the idea. I often didn’t know what to do about it, other than go to sleep and hope that I would feel better when I woke up. And then it would go away for a while, and I’d be glad I hadn’t done anything, because I know deep down that I have plenty to live for.”

That was not the last time Anne saw a therapist. “A year ago, I was referred by my GP because the theme of depression kept coming back. I’ve now been diagnosed with chronic depression, and I’m still kind of dealing with that. I think I have to accept that I’m susceptible to this.”

Her therapist asked her to put into words how she felt when she contemplated suicide. “I came up with ‘powerless’, ‘dark’, ‘blurry’. My brain felt like a big black block of sticky tar. Any good thoughts I tried to conjure up were smeared with that same tar.” It was still difficult to pull herself out of it, but the methods did help Anne handle things better.

Therapy continues to be part of Anne’s life, so are all those hours ‘on the sofa’ worth it? “I don’t go for the same reason every time. The problem I went for at age nine – that I was always angry – has now been solved. Or my boyfriend trying to change me: I won’t let that happen to me any time soon. Sometimes, the same problem comes up again, but I also don’t always know exactly what’s going on in my brain, and then later I end up finding another new piece of the puzzle.”

Some things in therapy have helped Anne a lot. “For example, I had to write a personal letter to people in my life, which I then had to read to them. I wasn’t allowed to make jokes, but instead I could express my emotions and cry if I felt sad, because I had become an expert at swallowing emotions. My friends were very sweet and understanding.”

She believes everyone would benefit from a little therapy now and then. “Maybe not as much as me, since not everyone has as many mental health issues as I do. But there’s always something to figure out in your life. And sometimes it’s hard to do that by yourself.” The waiting times can be daunting, but Anne says no one should let that stop them. “The system is there to help us, so use it. I had to fight hard to get the help I needed, but I’m extremely glad I went after it anyway, because the quality of my life has increased tremendously.”