{"id":98265,"date":"2019-05-01T14:51:03","date_gmt":"2019-05-01T12:51:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=98265"},"modified":"2025-12-19T11:23:18","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T10:23:18","slug":"after-suffering-from-depression-sophie-now-tries-to-help-students-break-the-taboo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2019\/05\/01\/after-suffering-from-depression-sophie-now-tries-to-help-students-break-the-taboo\/","title":{"rendered":"After suffering from depression, Sophie now tries to help students break the taboo"},"content":{"rendered":"

Around two years ago it seemed Sophie (25) had an enviable and bright future ahead of her. She had successfully completed her bachelor\u2019s programme in Econometrics (\u2018guaranteeing an attractive, time-consuming job in consultancy\u2019, according to Sophie) and after \u2018getting some board experience under my belt\u2019 through a board year at Laurentius, she was ready to conquer her master\u2019s programme.<\/p>\n

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But things didn\u2019t go as planned as she found herself battling depression. \u201cDuring the worst months I had days of non-stop crying, but staying at home wasn\u2019t an option. To play hockey for example, I would put my mask on and cycle to practice. My teammates would ask me: \u2018Sophie, you\u2019ve got bags under your eyes! Hit the bottle last night? I would reply with a quip: \u2018Yeah, I really had a crazy night.\u2019 But once I got home it was right back to blubbering, and nobody had a clue.\u201d<\/p>\n

When she would later tell her friends about this, she discovered she wasn\u2019t the only one in this situation. \u201cPeople had similar stories. Or they would ask me for advice for their acquaintances. It\u2019s really so stupid that we look at this as something to be ashamed of. That makes people reluctant to talk about it. More awareness and a willingness to discuss depression would have really helped me.\u201d She decided to something about it herself, and that\u2019s how she came up with \u2018Maskerclasses<\/a>\u2019 (Mask classes).<\/p>\n

Revealing our vulnerabilities<\/h2>
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Now, a year after her bout with depression, she looks happy and energetic in her \u2018sitting room\u2019 at Locus Publicus, just around the corner from where she lives. She speaks with conviction. She completed her master\u2019s programme \u2013 a little later than planned \u2013 and instead of a full-time consultancy job, she works part-time at a start-up. She\u2019s also working on her \u2018new mission\u2019, her Mask Class. Her voice still has the hint of a rasp, a remnant of her time as a student when she spent a lot of time \u2018at the pub\u2019 with her friends.<\/p>\n

During Sophie\u2019s Mask Classes, she takes to the stage in darkened student association pubs reeking of stale beer to talk about depression. During her sessions, a permanent fixture next to her is a panel of hands-on experts to widen the scope of the issue beyond Sophie\u2019s own story. \u201cBy opening up about it, I hope I can break the taboo around the issue, and the experts can help create more awareness about depression. I\u2019m doing this because I want to help people who are either in the same boat or know someone going through depression.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hitting the wall<\/h2>

The first evening was in May 2018 at Laurentius, the student association where she had been a member for six years and served on the board. To her surprise, the room was packed with students from Rotterdam. \u201cIt was terrifying. Personal stories about feeling vulnerable are not par for the course at these associations. But in the conversations I\u2019ve had, I\u2019ve noticed that it\u2019s something that\u2019s on people\u2019s minds. Everyone knows someone either from their student club, house or student society who ended up hitting the wall.<\/p>\n

\u201cUniversity administrators are concerned about the welfare of their students, but they don\u2019t know where to start. The numbers support Sophie\u2019s perspective on the issue: in the age group between 10 and 30, 276 deaths can be attributed to suicide. This cause of death is more common than cancer, cardiovascular diseases or traffic accidents. According to a 113 suicide prevention line employee, 1 in 10 people have thoughts of suicide.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018Everyone knows someone either from their student club, house or student society who ended up hitting the wall\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Packed calendar<\/h2>
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During her depression, Sophie wrote poems on her typewriter<\/span><\/p>

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For Sophie, it all began when she commenced with the master\u2019s in Quantitative Logistics and Operations Research. \u201cA master\u2019s programme is a year of gritting your teeth and keeping at it. We all know that. But we also think that\u2019s the way it\u2019s meant to be.\u201d Her calendar is packed that year. \u201cI wanted to do it all: go for a run every morning to compensate for all the time I spent sitting at board meetings, get good grades, spend entire days in the University Library, be productive, stick to a healthy diet and <\/em>regularly meet up with friends, which inevitably meant having a few drinks.<\/p>\n

She manages to do this for five months. \u201cIt can\u2019t all be done in a single day, so I wasn\u2019t able to do everything the way I wanted to, and I would often fall asleep feeling dissatisfied.\u201d Exams are looming in February during the first year of her master\u2019s programme. \u201cBy then, I\u2019d already been feeling like I had run out of gas for a few weeks. I had no energy to do anything. I said to my classmates: I can\u2019t put my finger on it, but I\u2019m just not going to take those exams. Even though I was always the one who was studying in the University Library three weeks before exams.\u201d<\/p>\n

February in bed<\/h2>

Sophie spends all of February mostly lying in bed. \u201cI don\u2019t really remember what happened during those days. I decided to postpone my thesis and look for a mindless job: earn a bit of money and go on a nice holiday.\u201d In the meantime, her social life and drinking (\u2018in the weekends, at least\u2019) continued. One drunken evening in April, she had just pulled the door shut behind her at her student lodgings at Oostzeedijk when someone knocked on the door. Sophie opened the door, thinking it was a friend, but it turned out to be just the opposite. \u201cThis old guy saw a window of opportunity and sexually assaulted me on my own doorstep.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was the last straw. \u201cAfter that things got worse. I had panic attacks and was afraid to go outside. I wasn\u2019t about to go running anymore, because I thought the tight leggings were too revealing.\u201d A few weeks after the sexual assault, she reached out for help and ended up seeing a psychologist. But the darkest months, literally and figuratively, were still to come a half-year later in November, December, and January. \u201cIt was like everything I looked at was a few shades darker. I started questioning my purpose on this earth. Would it always be like this? Would people miss me if I was gone? I felt so sad on the inside that I couldn\u2019t see my intrinsic value anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018This old guy saw a window of opportunity and sexually assaulted me on my own doorstep. After that things got worse.\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Removing the mask<\/h2>

Finally, after more than a year, the help she received enabled her to slowly get back on her feet. She learned a thing or two from that dark time. \u201cIt\u2019s worrying how good you can be at hiding your problems from your family, good friends and hockey team. People you see multiple times every week. Partly out of shame, but also because your contact with others is so fleeting when you\u2019re a student.<\/p>\n

What role does shame play? Sophie feels we live in a culture where it\u2019s not considered normal to reveal your vulnerabilities. On the one hand it\u2019s admitting to yourself that something isn\u2019t going the way you want it to: \u201cIt was fucking terrifying for me to admit I\u2019d failed and then look for help by going to a psychologist. I always felt I was capable of solving my own problems.\u201d<\/p>\n

On the other hand there\u2019s a sense of shame of revealing your vulnerability to the outside world. \u201cThanks to social media, we\u2019re always switched on and we want to perform non-stop. That\u2019s so exhausting. On top of that, we emulate each other on Instagram by projecting a perfect life without any flaws. That sets the bar very high.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018I\u2019m not afraid to be an object of discussion when it comes to depression. If it helps other people, so be it.\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

She also notices it when organising the evening sessions. She always tries to get someone with \u2018first-hand\u2019 experience with depression to sit on her panel. \u201cThere\u2019s no lack of people struggling with depression, but they\u2019re usually not willing to come up on stage with me. They\u2019re afraid of what people will say, or they don\u2019t want to be seen as crazy or as that guy or girl with problems.\u201d Does that worry Sophie? \u201cI\u2019m not afraid to be an object of discussion when it comes to depression. If it helps other people, so be it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sophie also feels that mental health issues don\u2019t always get the attention they deserve. \u201cLook at EUR. On our first day as students, we\u2019re given detailed information on the computer systems. They practically click the mouse for us to show us where we can find our grades and where we can enrol for courses. But during orientation, no one mentions where we can find the university psychologist. I didn\u2019t even know that existed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gratitude<\/h2>
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During her sessions with the psychologist, Sophie came to the realisation that she wanted a more mindful approach to life. \u201cFewer and fewer young people are interested in religion. The generation before us was raised in a Christian environment. Before eating, you said grace and expressed your gratitude by reflecting on the things you\u2019re grateful for or things you wanted to do better. Most of our generation, me included, no longer does that, so we miss out on the things that really matter. I didn\u2019t even know the word \u2018gratitude\u2019.<\/p>\n

She emphasises that everyone experiences depression in their own way and it\u2019s not something that\u2019s resolved by flipping a few switches. What helped Sophie was being more mindful of the idea of gratitude. The psychologist guided me get to that point step by step. One of the things she recommended was taking a picture every day of something I was grateful for. This made me more mindful, as it forced me to find a spark of gratitude every day, even during my darkest hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sophie isn\u2019t finished with the Mask Classes yet, and she is meeting with a number of student associations. What\u2019s next, after she\u2019s visited all the associations? \u201cI\u2019m considering organising evening sessions for the business community. It also has its share of problems when it comes to this issue.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Are you having thoughts of suicide? Please contact the 113 Suicide Prevention Line at 0900 0113 and www.113.nl<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\t<\/div>\n\n\t

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De redactie<\/h2>\n\t\t\n\t\t
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