{"id":171812,"date":"2024-09-26T13:32:57","date_gmt":"2024-09-26T11:32:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=171812"},"modified":"2025-12-19T11:27:29","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T10:27:29","slug":"being-rejected-isnt-nice-but-neither-is-rejecting-someone-else","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2024\/09\/26\/being-rejected-isnt-nice-but-neither-is-rejecting-someone-else\/","title":{"rendered":"Being rejected isn\u2019t nice, but neither is rejecting someone else"},"content":{"rendered":"

On social media, the chance of rejection is greater and more subtle than in the offline world, as Michelle Achterberg knows from close to a decade of research. Being rejected generally feels uncomfortable. Rejecting a request from someone else by clearly saying \u2018no\u2019 is equally difficult, according to the book Iets met grenzen stellen<\/em> (Something about setting boundaries) by Iris Posthouwer. \u201cPeople just want to belong to the group\u201d, says Achterberg.<\/p>\n

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\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tLeroy Verbeet<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>

Michelle Achterberg was about to defend her PhD thesis when the government announced that meetings of more than a hundred people were banned because of the Covid-19 pandemic. It was 12 March 2020, a quarter to four in the afternoon. Achterberg was sitting in the \u2019sweat room\u2019 waiting to begin her defence, when the beadle came in and asked how many people had been invited. \u201cIt was just over a hundred\u201d, says Achterberg, \u201cbut the beadle repeated a couple of times: 99.\u201d At 4 pm, she received her PhD cum laude on the subject of rejection. It was the last defence before the lockdown in the Netherlands.<\/p>\n

Social media use went through the roof<\/h2>

The subject of her PhD thesis was how children cope with rejection, or \u2018social-emotional regulation\u2019. It\u2019s a concept she finds interesting, because of the human need to belong to a group. That formation of groups was one of the things banned in the \u2018offline\u2019 world by the lockdown, a few days after her thesis defence. <\/p>\n

Achterberg believes that caused the great expansion of the realm of social media we see now. When she started her PhD in 2015, Facebook was popular. In next to no time, everyone had Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat. \u201cThe changes happened so fast\u201d, says Achterberg. \u201cPreviously, the online world was thought to be an extension of what happens in everyday life. Now we know better.\u201d <\/p>\n\t

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Number of books:<\/strong> One or two per month
\nPrimary motivation:<\/strong> \u201cI really read to relax. These summer holidays, I managed to read again because two of my three children now have swimming certificates. I listen to books to improve myself.\u201d
\nFavourite genre<\/strong>: Self-help
\nLast book read:<\/strong> \u201cListened to, actually: Verslaafd aan ons eigen gelijk<\/em> (Addicted to our own rightness) by Lammert Kamphuis.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t<\/div>\n

Viewed, but no like<\/h2>

If it were up to Achterberg, we would not talk about \u2018social media\u2019 as a single entity. Each social medium has its own dynamics. On WhatsApp, we communicate through text; on Instagram with images. With one, you often interact directly with someone you know, while on the other you can scroll passively. How you use social media affects the extent to which you feel rejected.<\/p>\n

Then again, what rejection means varies from person to person. Achterberg gives an example. \u201cOn Instagram, you can see who has viewed your story. If someone has seen your story but hasn\u2019t liked it, do you feel rejected? And do you see that as a flaw in yourself or a flaw in the other person?\u201d She simply wants to point out that the quantity of interactions and hence of potential rejections has only increased.<\/p>\n\n\t

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Read more<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t