{"id":158592,"date":"2023-09-07T15:15:41","date_gmt":"2023-09-07T13:15:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=158592"},"modified":"2025-12-19T11:26:57","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T10:26:57","slug":"in-a-way-i-was-getting-to-know-my-father-better-eleven-years-after-his-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2023\/09\/07\/in-a-way-i-was-getting-to-know-my-father-better-eleven-years-after-his-death\/","title":{"rendered":"‘In a way, I was getting to know my father better, eleven years after his death’"},"content":{"rendered":"

Nearly half of all young people suffer from psychological issues: twice as many as ten years ago. These students believe that talking about your problems helps. In this three-part series, Anne, Erin and Pi Cheng speak about why they reached out to a psychologist \u2013 and how it helped them. Erin van Gestel (22) found that what she needed most was a psychologist who was kind and safe.<\/p>\n

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\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tAysha Gasanova<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>

Erin (now studying Management of International Social Challenges) saw a therapist when she was very young, after her father died. \u201cI\u2019ve now lived with him for eleven years, and without him for eleven years\u201d, she says. After he died, she saw a grief counsellor. \u201cI used to make clay models or drawings, to get the conversation going. I remember that I liked being there. In that sort of situation, it helps when people are kind to you, and she was very kind.\u201d<\/p>\n

Unconsciously following in his footsteps<\/h2>

Her second experience with a psychologist, years later, was much less positive. She went to see a psychologist when her dream study programme after secondary school turned out to be a disappointment. \u201cAll my life, I knew I wanted to study Medicine. It\u2019s what I\u2019d always been working towards. People would sometimes say to me: you must want to be a doctor because you couldn\u2019t cure your father. Subconsciously, that might have been a factor.\u201d<\/p>\n

In any event, her father played an important role in her life as a student in Rotterdam in a variety of ways. Unconsciously, the choices she made led her to follow in his footsteps. \u201cIt\u2019s as if it was meant to be. My father always said he wanted to grow old with my mother in a flat on the Meuse. And where did I go and live? In a flat with a view of the Meuse.\u201d However, chance played a big role there. \u201cYeah, you never know who will choose you as a flatmate.\u201d Another coincidence: \u201cMy parents met through the SSR-R student association. I really didn\u2019t want to become a member at first, but I ended up joining because of my friends.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dissecting room<\/h2>

Erin was uncomfortable in her Medicine programme. \u201cI found it stirred up quite a lot of feelings, particularly in the dissecting room. Many students faint or throw up on their first time in the room, which makes sense. But by the second or third time, most people start to enjoy it.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was not the case for Erin. \u201cI felt like I was constantly being confronted with death. The smell was awful. And with each \u2018specimen\u2019, I couldn\u2019t help but think: what kind of life did this woman have? Did she have children? What did she die from?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat disappointed me was that there was no mental health support. They just chuck you in the dissecting room and wish you luck. And I wasn\u2019t the only one who had lost someone close to them. Luckily, I\u2019m quite assertive. I went looking for support myself, first from the study advisor and then from the student psychologist.\u201d<\/p>\n

Exposure<\/h2>\n\t
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\n\t\t\u2018I had to accept that I would never be able to cope with these things. It made me really sad\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

The visit to the psychologist was not a success. He wanted to expose her to her fears, so he sent her back into the dissecting room. \u201cI understand the theory behind it, but I felt completely unsafe. I wanted to start by telling my story, but he just grabbed the standard form and that was the advice that came out of it. I would have welcomed an approach more tailored to my situation.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, Erin was forced to accept that Medicine was not the dream study programme she had expected. \u201cI had to accept that I would never be able to cope with the combination of the dissecting room and the unhealthy, competitive atmosphere in Medicine. It made me really sad.\u201d<\/p>\n

At first, Erin saw the fact that she could not cope with Medicine as a defeat, but she now considers it a strength. \u201cIt made me accept who I am. Obviously, I have a highly sensitive streak. That\u2019s why people often feel safe around me, they have the courage to tell me things, and that\u2019s extremely valuable.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tAysha Gasanova<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>

Nightmares<\/h2>

It was around that time that the nightmares began, four or five times a week. \u201cBecause of that dissecting room, a lot of the old grief about my father resurfaced. The nights were terrible. It was so bad that there were times when I was afraid to sleep alone. In my nightmares, I was back in that dissecting room, or they were all about death. I would wake up crying.\u201d<\/p>\n

Erin sought help once more. She did not want to go back to the student psychologist, so she asked for a referral. \u201cThe waiting times were awful: I had to wait for seven months. All that time, I was going to bed terrified.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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Read the story of Pi Cheng<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t