{"id":157892,"date":"2023-08-31T11:15:24","date_gmt":"2023-08-31T09:15:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=157892"},"modified":"2026-02-10T17:13:36","modified_gmt":"2026-02-10T16:13:36","slug":"my-brain-felt-like-a-big-black-block-of-sticky-tar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2023\/08\/31\/my-brain-felt-like-a-big-black-block-of-sticky-tar\/","title":{"rendered":"‘My brain felt like a big black block of sticky tar’"},"content":{"rendered":"

Almost half of all young people struggle with mental health problems, twice as many as ten years ago. Talking helps, according to these students. In a three-part series, Anne, Erin and Pi Cheng talk about why they went to a psychologist and how these have helped them. Anne (22, Psychology student) has been seeing a therapist since she was nine years old.<\/p>\n

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Anne likes to read fantasy books or bring friends at a coffeeshop carrying her name.<\/span><\/p><\/figcaption><\/figure>

Anne is living proof that people with chronic depression do not always have a frown and a sullen gaze. Her first impression is that of a cheerful student who wears her heart on her sleeve. But that is partly a fa\u00e7ade, she admits. \u201cPeople always think I have all my cards on the table. And that\u2019s very convenient, because then they won\u2019t probe any further.\u201d<\/p>\n\t

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This story is partly about suicidal thoughts. Do you have questions about suicide? Contact the 113 Foundation: call 113 or 0800-0113 (free of charge), or anonymously via the chat on the website 113.nl<\/a>. They can be reached 24 hours a day, seven days a week.<\/p>\n\n\t<\/div>\n

Tantrums<\/h2>

Anne\u2019s parents are both therapists. \u201cThey got divorced when I was nine, and it felt like my life was falling apart. I threw a lot of tantrums because of that. Around that time, I was also bullied at school. My father found someone through a colleague to help me with my anger.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018I misunderstood some things, namely that I should never be angry again\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

This therapist discovered that there was a great deal of sadness and powerlessness hidden beneath Anne\u2019s anger. But because Anne was still so young and the therapist was actually meant for adults, there were also things that went wrong. \u201cI misunderstood some things, namely that I should never be angry again. It wasn\u2019t until much later that I found out that\u2019s a problem, because I was always very proud of how I was never angry. But being angry is actually a healthy way of processing your emotions, as opposed to bottling them up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rather free-spirited therapist<\/h2>

Anne started going to therapy again at age twelve because she would get over-stimulated very easily. \u201cOther people\u2019s emotions affected me a lot. If someone else was sad, then I would get sad too.\u201d Very empathetic, but also very tiring. \u201cI ended up with a rather free-spirited therapist who said I was highly sensitive. That wasn\u2019t an official diagnosis, but it was a way of explaining to me how I deal with emotions. She gave me all kinds of mindfulness-related tips, and that definitely helped.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018I was always \u2018happy, bubbly Anne\u2019. I was always happy and boosted everyone\u2019s energy. But I was burying the not-so-happy part\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Fast-forward to 17-year-old Anne. \u201cMy boyfriend and I broke up, and that hit me pretty hard. That was when I noticed that, in the previous years, I had always had some kind of mask on. I was always \u2018happy, bubbly Anne\u2019. I was always happy and boosted everyone\u2019s energy. But I was burying the not-so-happy part. When my relationship ended, all of that came out. That was the beginning of my depression.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ten months of intensive therapy followed. \u201cThat was very tough, exhausting and really just awful. We started with when I was born, and then everything that happened after that. What did that mean to me, and what word would I use to describe it? That therapist helped me a lot. She was a really amazing woman.\u201d<\/p>\n

Malleable<\/h2>
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Anne likes to read fantasy books or bring friends at a coffeeshop carrying her name.<\/span><\/p><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>

When Anne was doing a bit better, she met a new guy. \u201cAnd it was a lot of fun, for a while. It didn\u2019t take long before I became unhappy again, but it did take a long time before we broke up.\u201d Anne was reinventing herself through her therapy, which made her \u2018malleable\u2019. \u201cHe had an idea of the perfect girlfriend, and I tried to live up to that. But that wasn\u2019t who I was. He was a bit possessive, and he was looking for someone who was clearly more introverted than me. Still, I did my best, for way too long. And it made me more and more depressed. And then Covid-19 came along.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was perhaps the darkest period in Anne\u2019s life. She was having problems with her studies, and many social outlets were no longer available. \u201cI didn\u2019t even want to get out of bed. Just going to the supermarket was too much.\u201d During this period, Anne regularly thought about ending her life. \u201cI never made concrete plans, but I did toy with the idea. I often didn\u2019t know what to do about it, other than go to sleep and hope that I would feel better when I woke up. And then it would go away for a while, and I\u2019d be glad I hadn\u2019t done anything, because I know deep down that I have plenty to live for.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sticky tar <\/h2>

That was not the last time Anne saw a therapist. \u201cA year ago, I was referred by my GP because the theme of depression kept coming back. I\u2019ve now been diagnosed with chronic depression, and I\u2019m still kind of dealing with that. I think I have to accept that I\u2019m susceptible to this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her therapist asked her to put into words how she felt when she contemplated suicide. \u201cI came up with \u2018powerless\u2019, \u2018dark\u2019, \u2018blurry\u2019. My brain felt like a big black block of sticky tar. Any good thoughts I tried to conjure up were smeared with that same tar.\u201d It was still difficult to pull herself out of it, but the methods did help Anne handle things better.<\/p>\n

Personal letter<\/h2>

Therapy continues to be part of Anne\u2019s life, so are all those hours \u2018on the sofa\u2019 worth it? \u201cI don\u2019t go for the same reason every time. The problem I went for at age nine \u2013 that I was always angry \u2013 has now been solved. Or my boyfriend trying to change me: I won\u2019t let that happen to me any time soon. Sometimes, the same problem comes up again, but I also don\u2019t always know exactly what\u2019s going on in my brain, and then later I end up finding another new piece of the puzzle.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some things in therapy have helped Anne a lot. \u201cFor example, I had to write a personal letter to people in my life, which I then had to read to them. I wasn\u2019t allowed to make jokes, but instead I could express my emotions and cry if I felt sad, because I had become an expert at swallowing emotions. My friends were very sweet and understanding.\u201d<\/p>\n

Extremely glad <\/h2>

She believes everyone would benefit from a little therapy now and then. \u201cMaybe not as much as me, since not everyone has as many mental health issues as I do. But there\u2019s always something to figure out in your life. And sometimes it\u2019s hard to do that by yourself.\u201d The waiting times can be daunting, but Anne says no one should let that stop them. \u201cThe system is there to help us, so use it.\u00a0I had to fight hard to get the help I needed, but I\u2019m extremely glad I went after it anyway, because the quality of my life has increased tremendously.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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Read more<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t