{"id":157685,"date":"2023-08-17T11:11:48","date_gmt":"2023-08-17T09:11:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=157685"},"modified":"2025-12-19T11:26:53","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T10:26:53","slug":"i-wanted-to-get-help-as-far-back-as-i-was-15-but-it-took-nine-years-for-me-to-share-my-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2023\/08\/17\/i-wanted-to-get-help-as-far-back-as-i-was-15-but-it-took-nine-years-for-me-to-share-my-story\/","title":{"rendered":"‘I wanted to get help as far back as I was 15 \u2013 but it took nine years for me to share my story’"},"content":{"rendered":"

Nearly half of all young people suffer from psychological issues: twice as many as ten years ago. Three students believe that talking about your problems helps. In this three-part series, they speak about why they reached out to a psychologist \u2013 and how it helped them. Part one: Pi Cheng Hu (25, Data Science and Marketing Analytics) had a difficult childhood, which he is now coming to terms with step by step with the help of two psychologists.<\/p>\n

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Pi Cheng Hu.<\/span><\/p>

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Pi Cheng Hu first went into therapy in 2018, in his first year at university. \u201cI\u2019d actually been thinking about doing it since I was 13, but a study advisor gave me a push in the right direction. I\u2019d been complaining to him about my course, about how alone I felt and how I felt I lacked a sense of purpose in my life and he thought it would be good if I spoke to a therapist.\u201d<\/p>\n\t

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This story is about domestic violence. If you are or have been a victim of domestic violence, please reach out to Veilig Thuis<\/a> or Mind Korrelatie<\/a>, for example, to get help. Alternatively, if you just want someone to talk to, then please make an appoint to see a student psychologist<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\t<\/div>\n

Shame<\/h2>

This is how the then Econometrics student ended up seeing a student psychologist. \u201cThey helped me open up more, because I was very closed off at the time. To give you an example: I was scared to tell even my closest friends that I was seeing a therapist.\u201d Although he definitely made progress in the first six sessions, he shared very little about his childhood with his therapist. He did, however, decide to switch to another programme (Economics) and gained a better understanding of his emotions.<\/p>\n

Pi Cheng was very closed off due to the fact that he was very ashamed of his childhood and of his relationship with his parents. The first few, happy, years of his life were spent living with his grandmother in China rather than in the Netherlands and it was only once he was five years old that he joined his parents, who were living in Arnhem at the time. \u201cWe were really poor\u201d, Pi Cheng says recalling those years. \u201cWe had rice and egg every day. We didn\u2019t even enough money to pay for the school photo, which cost five euros.\u201d Pi Cheng still has vivid memories of that time. \u201cIt made me cry at the time, because it was something I really wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n

An unsafe home<\/h2>\n\t
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\n\t\t\u2018Sometimes I\u2019d be beaten or whipped for little things that I\u2019d done that weren\u2019t ill-intended at all\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Pi Cheng\u2019s home life was unhappy. \u201cMy father gambled regularly, despite the fact that money was already very tight, and my parents fought a lot \u2013 which sometimes also turned physical. And my mother would take the stress of being poor and their arguments out on me. Sometimes I\u2019d be beaten or whipped for little things that I\u2019d done that weren\u2019t ill-intended at all, like when she thought I was using too much shampoo when I showered or when I\u2019d be playing Snake on an old Nokia phone and she thought it cost money.\u201d<\/p>\n

The beatings lasted from the age of 5 to the age of 14. \u201cEven as a five-year-old I had a sense of how unfair it all was and that made me foster a sense of anger and fear towards my mother. Later on the physical abuse became less frequent and it shifted more to verbal abuse\u2026\u201d Pi Cheng observes that he feels he blames his mother more than his father. \u201cThat\u2019s really only because he was less involved in my upbringing, but he\u2019s just as much to blame.\u201d<\/p>\n

Life took a turn for the better thanks to his grandmother, who would occasionally visit Arnhem. \u201cI would always be begging my parents to have chips for dinner and then my grandmother said: well, if Pi Cheng likes them so much, why don\u2019t you try opening up a chip shop?\u201d Using money borrowed from family members, his parents eventually succeeded in taking over a chip shop in Westland.<\/p>\n

A prestigious course<\/h2>

Thanks to the chip shop, there was slightly more money to go around after the move, but Pi Cheng nevertheless still felt isolated at home and was bullied at school. \u201cKids used to shove me into the wall, call me names and threaten me. I was forced to fight back because I needed to survive. During that time I used to have a lot of anger tantrums.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018When I went off to university, I thought: what\u2019s the most prestigious and most difficult programme there is? That\u2019s how I ended up at Econometrics. But I didn\u2019t stop to think whether it was right for me or if I enjoyed it\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

The situations at school and at home made Pi Cheng into a boy who rarely puts himself in the foreground, never betrays in doubts (\u201cbecause my parents would walk all over me if I did\u201d) and who makes decisions that are more aimed at erasing the shame he feels about his childhood than at making himself happy. \u201cWhen I went off to university, I thought: what\u2019s the most prestigious and most difficult programme there is? That\u2019s how I ended up at Econometrics. But I didn\u2019t stop to think whether it was right for me or if I enjoyed it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Defence mechanism<\/h2>

Pi Cheng is now on the verge of completing a programme he does enjoy (the Master\u2019s in Data Science) and has been back in therapy since the start of this year \u2013 albeit under completely different circumstances than in 2018. Whereas at that time it was a cry for help, this time he was able to reflect on the purpose and the timing of his therapy at greater length and more calmly. \u201cThere are significant waiting times for therapy and as early as a year ago I thought: if I start in about six months\u2019 time, that\u2019ll be good for the final stage of my studies.\u201d This time he aimed to be more open about his past. \u201cI shared my whole story in two long sessions, more or less like I\u2019ve done here, because by now I\u2019ve learned that psychologists can only help you with the things you tell them, not with the things you hold back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pi Cheng discovered that he had developed certain defence mechanisms in his youth that helped him then, but get in the way now. \u201cThe fact that I would never share information, for example \u2013 even positive things \u2013 because that could lead to trouble. For instance, when I got my driver\u2019s licence, all my father said at the time was: \u2018As long as you don\u2019t think you\u2019ll get to drive my car.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

His girlfriend, however, feels it\u2019s a terrible shame that he doesn\u2019t share things, like the fact that he completed his Bachelor\u2019s degree or got a new job, on his own without being prompted. \u201cShe knows that life is just a bit better when I focus less on what I can improve and focus more on things that are going well.\u201d Pi Cheng also says he leaves little room for doubt in his opinions and statements. \u201cBecause if I used to that back then, I would just never get anything done: I wouldn\u2019t be allowed to do a sport or go on the school trip, because my parents would always say no, unless I was super confident.\u201d<\/p>\n

Helping out<\/h2>\n\t
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\n\t\t\u2018I think that a lot of people underestimate their own problems or obstacles they face\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Throughout these weeks, Pi Cheng will be helping to supervise first-year students during the Pre-Academic Programme. This also reflects how much he has changed. \u201cI\u2019m not doing this for the prestige or as a learning experience, because I\u2019ve supervised groups often enough. I just think it\u2019s great that I get to help them. And the process involves sharing a lot about yourself, especially regarding the things I used to be ashamed of, like growing up poor or the fact that I don\u2019t have a relationship with my parents like others do. Nowadays I just think: well, that\u2019s just who I am. It adds to my character.\u201d<\/p>\n

He says that he has since forgiven his parents. \u201cI do love them. We have a better relationship than we used to, although I fought hard to get it to that stage. My father has turned his life around. On top of that, my parents\u2019 behaviour was also a product of the environment they were in, which was one characterised by poverty, stress and fear in a new and foreign country.\u201d<\/p>\n

He hopes that his fellow students would not hesitate to seek out a therapist. \u201cI think that a lot of people underestimate their own problems or the obstacles they face. Oftentimes they think: \u2018I don\u2019t need any help because my problems aren\u2019t severe enough.\u2019 But you don\u2019t realise how much of an impact certain obstacles have on your life and how they affect your relationships with others. And sometimes you might not be ready for it \u2013 and that\u2019s okay too. I wanted to get help as far back as my third year in secondary school \u2013 but it took nine years for me to share my story.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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Read more<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t