{"id":134291,"date":"2021-12-16T11:46:33","date_gmt":"2021-12-16T10:46:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=134291"},"modified":"2025-12-19T11:26:03","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T10:26:03","slug":"why-a-lonely-corona-christmas-is-not-necessarily-a-bad-thing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2021\/12\/16\/why-a-lonely-corona-christmas-is-not-necessarily-a-bad-thing\/","title":{"rendered":"Why a lonely corona Christmas is not necessarily a bad thing"},"content":{"rendered":"

A new corona wave, sombre days, dashed hopes of a festive Christmas dinner and dim prospects of finding a way out of the crisis. The situation at the end of 2021 seems to be the perfect storm for a mental meltdown of society. But just how lonely are we? Professor Tineke Fokkema specialises in loneliness.<\/p>\n

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When do we actually consider someone to be lonely?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cMany people mistake loneliness for social isolation, like when no one comes to visit them. But loneliness is subjective. The common definition is: you feel lonely if there is a difference between the contacts you have and the contacts you want. I often cite myself as an example. I have very few good friends, but a couple of really, really good ones. Besides my parents, nobody comes to my home. I love being alone and being in my own small castle. I don\u2019t have a partner; I don\u2019t have any children. So, in terms of what I want, it\u2019s not very much compared to other people. Yet this is exactly how I want it, so I don\u2019t feel lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n\t

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Tineke Fokkema is an endowed professor of Ageing, Families and Migration at the Erasmus School of Social and Behavioural Sciences and a senior researcher at the Netherlands Interdisciplinary Demographic Institute in The Hague. She specialises in older people, loneliness, intergenerational solidarity and immigration. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\t<\/div>\n

How is the Netherlands faring? Are we now lonelier than before corona?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cThat depends very much on how and when it is measured. Take the RIVM figures as an example. Back in April 2020, loneliness among all age groups was extremely high, then dropped as summer approached, and rose again in the autumn. Many surveys during corona take place online, so elderly people in nursing homes and immigrant elderly people, for instance, who we suspect are more vulnerable, are often not taken into account. When I look at various national and international studies, the increases are not too bad. Of course, there are always groups that have it really tough, but on average, loneliness has not gone sky high.\u201d<\/p>\n

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People have far fewer contacts than they did before corona.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cThat may be because people are lowering their expectations, along the lines of \u2018I can\u2019t expect my grandchildren to come over right now\u2019<\/em>. Then you do not have to feel lonely. Needless to say, the number of contacts people have has fallen, particularly face to face ones. However, the quality of those contacts has generally been consistent. Corona has not suddenly changed the bond you have with your child or friend. In most cases, it takes on a different form. In the past, I often went out to dinner with my best friend, but now we walk a lot instead. It\u2019s the sporty friends, the card-playing club and the colleagues who have all disappeared.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018Corona has not suddenly changed the bond you have with your child or friend\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

I see this in my own surroundings: you want to organise a Christmas dinner, but fifteen people in one house is a bit too many. So, you decide to organise something smaller and ten people drop out. That would probably be an uncle or aunt without children who do not belong to the nuclear family.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, that can happen, but you can also resign yourself to some things. Very often people think: there\u2019s a lonely older person, how can we help them? That person is then taken to a social event. The general idea is that that\u2019s where they\u2019ll get to meet people so that they\u2019re no longer lonely. But that usually doesn\u2019t help. That is an unpalatable message, but loneliness is a more complex matter. We cannot solve it overnight. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are many people over 80 lonely, for example? Their partner has died. Their health is deteriorating, they are losing their brothers and sisters. If it is chronic, loneliness has adverse effects on your health and you have to do something about it. But is it okay for a person to feel lonely once in a while? I have also lost a number of loved ones. That made me feel very lonely at the time. That also has to do with the respect you have for those who are no longer with you. Then people I knew would ask me: \u2018Will you come to dinner with us?\u2019 All very well intended. But no, leave me be in my grief and give me time. This loneliness also goes to show that I have loved these people very much. So, I sometimes say to aid organisations: don\u2019t pounce on someone straight away. People should also take the time to get back on their feet. Yes, there is loneliness. Not everything in life can be fixed.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is especially noticeable that young people nowadays are suffering a lot from loneliness. Why is that?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s nothing new, but there used to be less attention paid to it. Young people have always had a higher risk of loneliness. That risk declines in middle-aged people, but then it rises sharply again in people over 80.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2019If you don\u2019t feel lonely already, then you will after a TV commercial like that.\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Which groups should we be most concerned about?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI tend to think about entrepreneurs at the moment. They have enormous financial concerns, which can also lead to feelings of loneliness. And among older immigrants like those with a Turkish and Moroccan background, there is a lot of loneliness. Even before the corona outbreak. I did a lot of research on that myself. You may well think: they are often part of large families and have a lot of contact with each other. But loneliness is not just about the number of contacts. The quality of the contacts is also a determining factor when it comes to feelings of loneliness. If people drop by who aren\u2019t aware of what\u2019s going on with you, or never ask how you\u2019re doing, but are just there, then you can still feel lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is why I sometimes get tired of the stereotypical image that you often see in TV commercials. Then you see a sad man looking into a house full of people enjoying a Christmas meal and a Christmas tree with all those lovely lights in the background. If you don\u2019t feel lonely already, you will after a TV commercial like that. This social pressure seems to be very high for some people. A lot of people plan appointments every day so that they don\u2019t have to be alone. As in, as long as I\u2019m entertained, I\u2019ll be fine; otherwise, I will start thinking about life. But if you are alone and not feeling so strong, how do you feel when you\u2019re being constantly bombarded with the message on the radio and TV that no one should be alone at Christmas? And then I wonder: why shouldn\u2019t you be alone at Christmas?\u201d<\/p>\n

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You could almost say that it was precisely those people who had a full agenda before corona who became lonelier during corona.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cPeople who had a lot of social support are now experiencing an increase in loneliness. These people constantly need a caress, a hug, and some attention. If you already have fewer social needs, then those corona measures are less intense. Some studies also suggest that people who were already lonely now believe that everyone is in the same boat and feel better because of that.\u201d<\/p>\n

What does help against loneliness?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIn the scientific advisory committee E\u00e9n tegen eenzaamheid<\/em> [Together against loneliness<\/em>, annotation] This is a scientific advisory committee from the Dutch Ministry of Health, Welfare and Sport for a programme of action to combat loneliness, [\/annotation] we emphasise the importance of understanding the effectiveness of the approach to loneliness: which interventions are used, why they work or don\u2019t work, and for which target group.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are very few interventions that are backed up by scientific evidence. A handful of interventions have been scientifically proven to help alleviate loneliness for a specific target group. Examples are the friendship course by Nan Stevens (emeritus professor at the VU) and the Grip & Glans <\/em>by Nardi Steverink (RUG). Both interventions were initially developed for women aged 55 and for those aged 50 and older. This friendship course not only focuses on what you have and what you are missing out on, but also on how to make, maintain and deepen friendships. Some people look for friends and when they find them, they tend to claim them so much that eventually they leave again. In such cases, it is better to learn to put fewer demands on people. In the group course Grip & Glans, participants learn how they can boost their own well-being and get a better grip on their lives.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018Sometimes life is also about being a bit humbler\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

What are you expecting this month, during half a lockdown and dark days?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAs the measures become tougher, loneliness will most likely rise again. With the omicron variant, I don\u2019t know how things will turn out. Everyone always wants to have some perspective, but not everything can be fixed or predicted. I like to travel to faraway countries that have different cultures and have also done fieldwork in Morocco for longer periods of time. That makes you realise what a beautiful place we have on this earth. When people become ill, die, or face bankruptcy, I do have a lot of understanding for them. But when people are frustrated that they can\u2019t go on a skiing holiday, I think: \u2018Sorry, guys.\u2019 Think about it: there are so many people who can never go on holiday during their whole lifetime. Sometimes life is also about being a bit humbler.<\/p>\n\n\t

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