{"id":107471,"date":"2019-12-19T10:43:52","date_gmt":"2019-12-19T09:43:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/?p=107471"},"modified":"2025-12-19T11:24:37","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T10:24:37","slug":"being-a-student-mom-the-real-hardship-started-when-i-became-single","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.erasmusmagazine.nl\/en\/2019\/12\/19\/being-a-student-mom-the-real-hardship-started-when-i-became-single\/","title":{"rendered":"Being a student mum: ‘The real hardship started when I became single’"},"content":{"rendered":"

For most students, studying can already be a stressful experience. But what would it be like if you had children at the same time? Gvantsa Kikalishvili and Kimberly Walden are \u2018student mums\u2019. They explain how they juggle studying for exams and raising a child.<\/p>\n

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Kimberly Walden with her son Justice and daughter Mimi.<\/span><\/p>

\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tAysha Gasanova<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>

'I really miss my daughter very much!\u2019<\/h2>

Gvantsa Kikalishvili (35) is a student mother. She\u2019s doing her masters at Erasmus School of History, Culture and Communication. She\u2019s a mother at a distance. Her husband and her 10 year old daughter Anano live together in Georgia, while Gvantsa is doing her master\u2019s degree here in Rotterdam.<\/p>\n

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Gvantsa Kikalishvili skyping with her daughter Anano.<\/span><\/p>

\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tAysha Gasanova<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>

You live far away from your daughter. How did this happen?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI came to the Netherlands in September. I\u2019d been thinking about studying abroad for a while, but until this year I simply wasn\u2019t ready. I waited for my daughter to be old enough to fully understand what this decision meant. Now she sees the value of studying abroad. As a family, we agreed that development is important and that people shouldn\u2019t refrain from it because of their loved ones. On the contrary \u2013 they should strive forward even more. Now it\u2019s my time to study. Next year my husband might do the same, and later Anano herself. We all acknowledge that this is normal and necessary.<\/p>\n

Did you consider bringing her with you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did. And it was a difficult decision not to bring her with me. But I didn\u2019t want to create an unstable environment for her and disrupt her routine. I think it\u2019s much easier now that her life has stayed mostly unchanged \u2013 the school, the city, even the food is the same. Moreover, I wasn\u2019t aware of any university policies for student mums. So, I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d be able to handle two huge responsibilities with no help: my own study stress and my daughter\u2019s well-being.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI really miss my daughter very much! But believe it or not, sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the study load that I don\u2019t have time to experience these feelings. This year, I didn\u2019t see her going to school, decorating her Christmas tree. I\u2019m also going to miss her holiday performance at school. That\u2019s very hard. If I\u2019d been able to delay some of my assignments for a week, I\u2019d certainly get on a flight to go and watch. But I\u2019m a student just like everyone else and being a mother is my own responsibility.<\/em>\u201c<\/em><\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018We always text each other about our homework\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

What is Anano\u2019s father\u2019s role at the moment?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cTo be honest, if it weren\u2019t for my husband, I wouldn\u2019t be able to do this. He\u2019s adapted his entire lifestyle and routine around Anano\u2019s. He doesn\u2019t even take lunch breaks at work, so that he can get home early. I\u2019m very grateful for his support. But I have to say that the main challenge for us was to figure out how to handle family affairs at a distance, because all three of us previously had our own roles in the house. So far, we\u2019re doing ok.\u201d<\/p>\n

How do you communicate with Anano and what do you usually talk about?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re both very busy so we came to realise that we need to set certain days when we can have longer conversations. That was a very important discovery, understanding that we\u2019re only a part of each other\u2019s lives, not the whole life. Otherwise, we wouldn\u2019t be able to pursue our goals.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYet, we do have our own rituals. For example, she sends me a picture when she\u2019s on the school bus. That\u2019s how we start our morning. And we always text each other about our homework.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tAysha Gasanova<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>

What do you think both you and your daughter will learn from this experience?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Firstly, I think this type of a healthy detachment<\/em> is extremely important, because now we both perceive ourselves as two mature, independent, equal beings.<\/p>\n

Secondly, I think my daughter will learn from this not to be afraid of anything at all! I believe the time that we live in is the best time for opportunities. And I hope she will grow to use every opportunity life gives her.<\/p>\n

\u2019Motherhood made me very grateful for my studies\u2019<\/h2>
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\n\t\n\n<\/svg>\n<\/span>\n\tImage by:<\/span>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tAysha Gasanova<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>

Kimberly Walden is a Sociology masters student, and a young mother of two \u2013 Justice (7) and Mimi (12). She says her children are very proud of their loving and hardworking mum. But becoming an exemplary student-parent hasn\u2019t been easy. Kimberly became a mother when she was only 18 and later went on to pursue her bachelor\u2019s degree here at Erasmus University. She has always been actively involved in academic affairs, representing students in the programme committee, faculty council and university council. Being a studying single mother has become an inspiration for her to seek solutions to all the challenges that others like her face. In fact, even her thesis is about how studying mothers navigate their way through the academic course and institutes.<\/p>\n\n\t

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\n\t\t\u2018I am now going into the fourth year of my master\u2019s because I just couldn\u2019t manage it all\u2019\n\t<\/blockquote>\n\n\t<\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div>\n

Kimberly, you had your first child before you started your Bachelor. How did you manage to go back to school?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAfter I had my son, I decided to go to school in order to make something of myself. I didn\u2019t even have a high school diploma, so I had to pass exams to start my bachelor. Thankfully, I finished the bachelor in three years. I had a feeling that being a mother and a student was manageable, but I couldn\u2019t go to parties or join student associations. I did build friendships, although I didn\u2019t say much about my situation, because I didn\u2019t think it was important. I needed to prove to myself that I could function just like any other student.<\/p>\n

\u201cNonetheless, my fellow students were very accepting. They knew I worked as a representative, so they could come to me if they had any issues or questions. Being a parent made me more caring, I think. During these bachelor years, I got some help from the father, made good use of childcare and the possibilities to organise my class schedule conveniently. I attended morning classes so that I could be home by the evening. But the real hardship started when I became a single mother. Difficulties with studying, parenting and on top of it all \u2013 financial issues. I cried a lot. I\u2019m now going into the fourth year of my master\u2019s because I just couldn\u2019t manage it all. Eventually, I had to delay my studies, but I managed to push through and this year I\u2019ll be almost at the finish line.\u201d<\/p>\n

Did you get any help to overcome the academic challenges?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI was hugely privileged to have a great study advisor. She really helped me extend deadlines for my thesis. But it\u2019s important to know that every study advisor works very differently, because the university doesn\u2019t have any policies for studying parents. I\u2019m doing social studies, so my study advisor is a really understanding, social person. But if you\u2019re studying economics, health or law for example \u2013 it could be much more difficult. I know stories of pregnant students who didn\u2019t get any help. There\u2019s no acknowledgment, no organisation \u2013 nothing to support studying parents at EUR. That\u2019s why I decided to organise a meetup and connect these students, because connecting is already a form of support. I really want to let other mums and dads know that they aren\u2019t alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Despite all the challenges, do you think it\u2019s good to be a studying mom?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cMotherhood made me very grateful for my studies. I see an immediate benefit of being an educated mother for my children. Studying has broadened my views and perspectives. I\u2019m more aware that my children are the future of society. So I really implement that in how I raise them. I teach them to be very mindful of each other, not to take things for granted, be very grateful for the things they have.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy children are my best friends in life. I really love them and they are my greatest investment. I really feel the importance of this, because I was a foster child \u2013 with no support from my parents, living in various homes and families. So, now I even bring my children to campus. I\u2019m happy to see that they really like it and even want to study here. They see how I am studying and they are really inspired by this \u2013 I\u2019m a living example to them. As a result, my daughter does her homework all by herself.<\/p>\n

\u201cUltimately, I think university made me a better mother, and motherhood has made me a better student.\u201d<\/p>\n\t

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“Connecting is already a form of support”, says Kimberly Walden. So she has created a Facebook page<\/a>, a space where studying parents can connect and share their stories.<\/p>\n\n\t<\/div>\n\n\t

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De redactie<\/h2>\n\t\t\n\t\t
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